No Part Left Out: IFS & Setting Boundaries

Shannon at her outdoor office.

I have studied boundaries for decades. It may have started with Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More. Or maybe it was before that, in my anarchist study group on consent. Or maybe it started when I was barely an adult, in Alanon, trying to figure out where to draw the line for what I could and could not be around. 

In any case, my boundaries developed more expansively by talking with friends about our experiences of setting difficult boundaries, not having enough boundaries, and watching the effects. Sometimes it went sourly awry.  I questioned if I wasn’t doing it well, or if I just had too high expectations... When I worked on romantic relationship boundaries with a therapist, it helped me see that my boundaries were indeed reasonable. Nonviolent communication helped me express those boundaries in a respectful way, using I-statements and open-ended questions about brainstorming strategies that could work for everyone. Here's an NVC resource list if you want more than baynvc.org:

But I kept finding myself tripping over my own boundaries. Sometimes I would set them too loose and regret it later. I would get pretty upset.

I had to wonder, “Was I lying to myself when I was setting boundaries loosely, or being ignorantly hopeful it would work out better for me, or just not clear with myself in the first place?”

I often felt pretty clear.

So why did I struggle later?

Sometimes, I didn’t want to come across as too needy, selfish, or controlling, so I’d set loose boundaries like, “Sure, let’s leave anytime between 8-9am.” I would secretly hope that we’d leave before 8:30am, and when it got close to 9am, I’d get anxious and frustrated. That approach had to change. I could not keep avoiding setting specific parameters for the tightness I really needed.

Still, I couldn’t fully crack the repeating issue.

Something was still really… wrong.

I had to face an unattractive pattern in myself.

It's embarrassing to admit,

but sometimes I would set boundaries loosely, and then in hindsight, I would claim that I had set my boundaries tighter

when I was pretty sure

I had only wanted to set them tighter,

but I hadn't voiced that out loud.

(On the other hand, some people I know set their boundaries so tight that they miss out on opportunities for passionate connection or enlivening new experiences.)

Why did I keep doing this?

I had this amazing insight when I combined Internal Family Systems (IFS) with boundary setting work.

In IFS,

we recognize that there are different parts of ourselves that have different perspectives and needs. These parts are usually present since childhood, reflect our caregivers and other role models, and make up an internal family of voices with us (a mother, a child, a manager, a protector, etc.). It’s not like having multiple personalities, but more like having different aspects of our psyche that lobby us to take certain actions or directions. A part of me is connected to my childhood defensiveness and protects me from hurt. Another part of me is connected to my role as a mother and wants to be steady, secure, and provide. Another part of me...

I figured out that sometimes what happens during a boundary-setting conversation is that I’m thinking from a certain part of me and set a boundary from that part. But later when the boundary gets crossed or ignored, I’m tapped into another part of me that may not have wanted the same boundary. 

So the problem is this:

My grounded, wise self has a lot of compassion, generosity, goodwill, and hope for inclusion, peace and forgiveness. If I set a very loose or generous boundary just from this wise adult part of me, then later I might feel uncomfortable about how unfair things seem, and my child part speaks up and gets defensive and angry.

When I respond from the child part of me that was ignored as a kid, I overreact. My partner is confused because suddenly I’m wanting the boundary tighter, but I had previously agreed to it being looser.

Sometimes one part of me (the spiritually expansive, generous part) can “spiritually bypass” another part of me, until that part defends its embodied, earthly human needs. (If you're not familiar with spiritual bypassing, check out my articles on it here: part one and part two.)

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So, while

I would ideally like to live from my generous part 100% of the time,

it doesn't help to have conversations just from this place!

It seems so shocking and contradictory, but just to make decisions from my generous part can lead to conflict later, when my child part didn't get a say in the first place. Ideally, I'd be able to cope with my child part’s frustration and comfort my child part’s sadness from my wise adult self. But that doesn't always happen. Sometimes, my child part needs attention and inclusion. My child part actually needs a say during the boundary setting conversation in some situations. 

Fictitious Relationship Example:

Partner texts: Fyi, we're running short on time and I’m thinking the kiddo and l will go out to eat tonight instead of cooking at home. Sorry, we know you can't join us, but just wanted to let you know. 

Me (thinking): Hmm…that's disappointing and annoying…They end up going out to eat more often than I do, and it feels unfair. But I know why he's running behind today and it makes sense for them to just go out to eat.

Me texting: Yeah, that makes sense. I hope you enjoy it, and get the kid to bed on time!

Result: Then that evening, I have a difficult interaction with a colleague and feel frustrated I’m not included in her plan. This exclusion pokes at the frustration of also not going out to eat with my family. And it's enough to poke into my inner child part's sensitivity around exclusion. So when I get home, I'm grumpy and complain to my partner, “It kind of sucks that you got to go out to eat again. You go out more than me...(etc).”

Alternative: If I had included my child part's opinion in the earlier text, I could have written, “I'm really glad you're making this choice. But a part of me feels left out. Could you order something for me and bring it home?”

I'm not letting my child part dictate my response,

but

I'm honoring that I'm not fully enlightened. I don’t have 100% pure compassion and understanding all the time, and our relationships and life situations are complex, and my inner child still lives within me.

If her voice and requests can be included in ways that don't disrupt the overall generosity I want to extend, then I can stay more peaceful. My relationships feel better. 

My goal is to set boundaries that all the parts of me feel good about, or at least okay with. (And these are just the parts of me I’m conscious of!)

Nature Connection Example (real):

The same parts of me show up when I caretake the land I live with.

I plant a garden and the deer come to eat the new shoots.

Generous part: I honestly love deer (hence my logo!) and I want to share with them.

Serotonin seeking part: But I also grow the garden because I want to eat super local organic food that I labored to help the earth and sun produce. I want the joy of bending down and eating something so fresh it hasn't stopped breathing yet. I want to cherish the incredible life cycle of transforming size, shape, and color day-by-day, and sometimes as fast as morning-to-evening.

Child part: And another part of me just wants to feel secure, by having food and nutrition to consume in a world that faces drought, floods, and disastrous climate change.

So if all these parts of me were a gardening committee, deciding what to do about the deer, I would listen to each one. However, it's NOT that each part gets an equal vote. Because some parts may have better reasons, or have learned from experience, or are more deeply rooted in my ethics and values. 

Self-Relationship Example:

Sometimes, one part of me (part A) wants to get what it wants at the expense of another part of me (part B) losing out, so later part B will be upset. For example, once I wanted to take a new job for excitement, and the part of me (A) that loves learning and dopamine would jump for joy, but the part of me that loved the old job’s schedule (B) would be tired. So I had to weigh the variables.

Female Agreements during Menopause Example (real):

My friend figured out while experimenting with different estrogen and progesterone supplements during menopause, that she felt more giving when her estrogen levels were higher, and more self-centered when they were lower. Interesting Note* she also felt more depressed and suicidal when the progesterone was higher.

She realized these patterns had been happening her whole life, as her monthly cycle would swing from menstruation to ovulation and back again,

her desire to help and serve others would: grow higher during estrogen surges (ovulation) and then drop with progesterone (menstruation).

Commitments she had made during ovulation, out of a do-good mindset, would feel burdensome later. She would regret agreements she had made in high estrogen mode.

Solution?

Imagine your other mindset, by asking yourself while ovulating,

“How would the menstruating part want me to answer this request?"

Next time you’re in the woods (literal, not metaphorical!),

You can practice inviting all the parts of yourself to the decision-making table as you approach a difficult decision.

Question: Shall we hop across the creek on these wobbly rocks?

Parts: 

risk injury? 

have fun!

get freezing cold? 

find out what’s on the other side!  

stay with friends who are crossing…

Or you see a skunk and part of you wants to watch it and a part does not,

Or you’re 99% sure you can eat the berry but maybe not(!),

Or you forgot sunscreen but your companions want to walk a trail in the sun.

Just take a moment to ask, what would my grounded, wise adult self do?

What does my inner child want?

And other parts voicing their thoughts?

Is there some way they all could be happy, or reasonably satisfied? 

Peace and luck!

Additional Free Resource:

https://www.radicalembrace.org/dharma-talks

The ecology of the heart - How can we fully live from a place deeply rooted in non-violence? We do so by gently turning towards, listening deeply and engaging whole-heartedly with our own diverse inner landscape, including ALL the parts of us wanted and unwanted that show up in the space of practice.These recorded talks include subjects such as feminism and Buddhism, radical inclusivity, and more.

🌷 I'D LOVE TO INCLUDE ANY OF YOUR QUESTIONS. PLEASE WRITE ME. :)

© Shannon Gorres, 2025. Written by a human, not AI or chatGPT. Please contact me to request permission before sharing. I will give you permission to share sections of it when you include "by Shannon Gorres, www.DivineNatureTherapy.com"