Learn to Set Boundaries~ without Growing Thorns

When boundaries are a struggle, it can feel like our gorgeous rose petals get trampled on. 🌹🌹🌹 And we can be slow or quick to grow thorns. If you wonder about your boundary-setting patterns and wish to change difficult boundaries dynamics,

here’s an introduction.

1. What’s your boundary style?

2. Why do we struggle with boundaries?

3. What can we do when people don’t listen?

1. What’s your boundary style?

Your boundary style is comprised of your personality, how you were raised (what was modeled for you?), and life experiences. It can be changed by your growing awareness and active practice to act in congruence with your ideals.

But sometimes it’s not that easy. Because we are just 1 part of the equation. Our boundary style interacts with others’ boundary styles. (And, your style might vary depending on the context- you might relate with a partner differently than your parent, and differently than with a boss or coworker.)

Here’s a fun Quiz you can take:

Boundary Style Quiz | Terri Cole | What's your boundary style? (boundaryquiz.com) 

What I love about this quiz is how it shows many options of how to respond in difficult situations.

When you scan the multiple-choice answers, you could ask yourself:

a. Which one do I actually do?

b. Which one do I WISH I did?

c. Which one really offends me?

After the quiz, you could find out the 6 boundary styles and see when you are in and out of balance in your style.

2. Why do we struggle with boundaries?

Do you feel scared, unworthy, or unsure of setting your boundaries? 

Maybe it’s because of what you learned from your parents growing up. Maybe it’s because of what you learned from religion or from screen shows. Maybe it’s because you’re just in a really tough situation.

The concept of “boundaries” is a secular way to express that “I matter” and “you can’t ignore or walk over me.” They are great. While they are a bit too focused in individualism for my preference, they are super relevant and totally necessary in our individualistic and pluralistic society! When there are not healthy group norms where we live, work, or play, nor people holding others accountable for agreed upon ways of respect, we have to figure out it -and decide- and do it individually.

However, throughout human history there have been teachings about healthy group norms. In spiritual or religious terms, there are ideals or values about how we treat each other. So when we feel uncomfortable or struggle relating, we can contemplate what a set of guidelines say is generally the best way to move forward. Of course, it’s not that simple. Values can conflict, decision making time can be short,

Here are (English translations of) religious community guidelines that I’ve contemplated or engaged:

Zen precepts

(These are the 16 bodhisattva precepts; there are more for higher ranks)

I vow not to kill.

I vow not to take what is not given.

I vow not to misuse sexuality.

I vow to refrain from false speech.

I vow to refrain from intoxicants.

I vow not to slander.

I vow not to praise self at the expense of others.

I vow not to be avaricious.

I vow not to harbor ill will.

I vow not to disparage the Three Treasures (Buddha, Dharma, Sangha).

The Threefold Refuges

I take refuge in Buddha (the principle of enlightenment within).

I take refuge in dharma (the enlightened way of understanding and living).

I take refuge in sangha (the community of beings).

Pure Precepts

I vow to avoid all action that creates suffering

I vow to do all action that creates true happiness.

I vow to act with others always in mind.

Precepts : Everyday Zen Foundation (https://everydayzen.org/study-guide/precepts/)  and The Sixteen Bodhisattva Precepts (https://www.sfzc.org/offerings/establishing-practice/sixteen-bodhisattva-precepts)

Yoga: Yamas and Niyamas

Yamas of right conduct or of restraints:

Ahimsa (non-violence or harmlessness)

Satya (truth speaking)

Asteya (refraining from theft)

Brahmacharya (control of senses or sexual continence)

Aparigraha (non-greed)

Niyamas:

Saucha (cleanliness and purity of actions)

Santosha (contentment)

Tapas (discipline)

Svadhyaya (self-study and study of scriptures)

Ishvara Pranidhana (worship of God or self-surrender)

Sivananda Divine Life Society (https://www.sivanandaonline.org//?cmd=displaysection&section_id=836)

Universal Sufi rules

(Here are the first 10 out of 40.)

My conscientious self:

Make no false claims.

Speak not against others in their absence.

Do not take advantage of a person's ignorance.

Do not boast of your good deeds.

Do not claim that which belongs to another.

Do not reproach others, making them firm in their faults.

Do not spare yourself in the work which you must accomplish.

Render your services faithfully to all who require them.

Seek not profit by putting someone in straits.

Harm no one for your own benefit.

Knighthood of Purity - Inayatiyya (inayatiorder.org) (https://inayatiorder.org/knighthood/)

Hebrew and Christian 10 commandments (shortened)

I am the L‑rd your G‑d, Who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

You shall have no other gods before Me.

You shall not take the name of the L‑rd your G‑d in vain.

Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it holy.

Honor your father and mother.

You shall not murder.

You shall not commit adultery.

You shall not steal.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, his manservant, his maid-servant, his ox, his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's. The Ten Commandments - Chabad.org (https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2896/jewish/What-Are-the-Ten-Commandments.htm)

I've also been in secular and humanist organizations that had really fantastic community guidelines. For example, I love Rotary's 4 statements.

Are there any community guidelines that inspire you?

Perhaps many of these, if contemplated and mindfully engaged by an entire community, could make the world a better place. What do you think?

I’m really curious: Would your boundary issue be helped if the people you interacted with employed more of some of these values?

The boundary issues I hear from people often revolve around:

* Not being able to say ‘no’ to helping, listening or participating, which could be a challenge with truth-telling.

* “Greediness over” or “Stealing” people’s energy via monopolizing their time or attention, after they do say ‘no’.

* Struggles with others not following through on promises or commitments, which could be tapas/discipline and rendering your work faithfully.

* Struggles with others’ mistreatment or hurtful absence due to addictions.

* Not knowing how to manage self-boundaries in the face of another’s lack of awareness, due to their lack of self-knowing (swadhyaya/self-study) or capacity in comprehending other’s needs and feelings. This is sometimes due to mental disorders, but also just a common human condition.

Lastly,

* A lot of boundary issues involve technology (social media, texting communication, etc.)- and these religious communities' guidelines were made way before technology existed. But they could still be useful. For example, not to slander another could include not posting revealing or embarrassing content on social media.

3. What can we do when people don’t listen?

Boundaries are often about how to say “no” or how to negotiate a conflictual interaction. Boundary setting is often drawing a line that should not be crossed. People use the word “boundary” to mean what actions I’m willing to do, what actions I’m willing to be around, what words I’m willing to hear- and what I’m not. Sometimes it’s kind of the minimum- as in, what is the minimum I need to survive? What is the minimum I can tolerate being in the relationship?

When am I at my limit? What encroaches too far on my wellbeing? When can I no longer take it?

Would the maximum be - what do I need to thrive?

What would life be like if we lived in the maximum? What do we need to thrive? Asking for what I want up front (or at least before I’m about to explode or flee); naming my concern before the negative impact is in my face (and making sure my voice is considered); requesting more options get put on the table so we can sift and sort together?

Consent is giving permission, or agreement. Consent can be finding what’s in the circle for us both.

One thing we can do is be pro-active about honoring our needs, feelings, and thoughts before they get to the MUST-MAKE-BOUNDARY stage. But that takes practice and in the meantime, we need line-drawing boundaries. And we need them because others aren’t yet prepared to come to the table to find agreements and mutually satisfying interactions. There may always be folks who are going to need to hear it a different way. Or several different ways. And sometimes even then, a hard NO.

So  what  can  we  do  when  people  don’t  listen  ?

I think you have the answer inside of you.

Your wisdom is speaking.

Can we listen to your wisdom, even when others refuse to hear?

🌷 I'D LOVE TO INCLUDE ANY OF YOUR QUESTIONS. PLEASE WRITE ME. :)

© Shannon Gorres, 2025. Written by a human, not AI or chatGPT. Please contact me to request permission before sharing. I will give you permission to share sections of it when you include "by Shannon Gorres, www.DivineNatureTherapy.com"